I thought I was choking. That lump in my throat kept getting larger, as I tried soothing it down. The heaviness in my chest, like a big chunk of lead, weighed me down as I tried taking deeper breaths. My eyes went blurry… I didn’t know if it was the dizziness that swayed my head like a wild roller-coaster ride, or just the drops of tears that lined my eyes.
This cannot be happening to me… not again. Have I not yet had my share, I thought to myself. This was just unfair. Fucking unfair.
I wiped the tears off angrily. Indignation was something I felt I deserved. I wanted to shout out, to try and relieve that lump, which was now positively clogging my windpipe. But voice of any kind deserted me.
I wanted to cry out loud, to just flush out all my feelings, stupid stupid feelings that refused to let go off me. I didn’t know what I wanted to feel… sadness for how things eventually turned out? Disappointment at fate having let me down again? Anger at myself for being such a moron?
But then, would any of these have really helped? I was sure the answer was a resounding and firm no. Afterall, the truth of the matter was… I was the one to bring this upon me. I was satisfied, content… even happy. And then I let my hopes float beyond my reach, fooling me into believing things would be different this time around. This time, everything was going to fall right into place. This time, it was going to work out.
Truth had to catch up with me sometime. I was perhaps just not good enough… it was after all not the first time this was happening. In fact, I was increasingly finding myself in this situation much too often. And truth was always going to be this bitter – hard-hitting, blow-below-the-belt type.
“May be I will try later again, I don’t know… God, its killing me!”
And I broke down, like I never had before, like I never imagined myself doing. But I couldn’t take it no more. This was just too much, even for me. I always thought I was good… that I deserved better than this. Maybe, I didn’t.
It was the crowd’s thunderous applause that brought me back to present. I still felt dizzy, unable to balance myself, my head still reeling from all the emotional onslaught it was being subjected to. I looked up, and I think I managed a weak smile.
I didn’t know if I would ever be able to bounce back from this. I didn’t know if I have it in me to put myself out there again… and bear another heartbreak. But I knew one thing for sure… this time I had lost.
This time, it was Game-Set-Match Rafa.
Rod Laver Arena, 1st February, 2009
